The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
