I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
