I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
