I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
