I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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