yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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