I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
