I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize