I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
