i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
