i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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