At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
