How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
