You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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