I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
