my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
