Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So. Much. Porn.
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