I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize