Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
