I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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