she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
