There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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