Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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