the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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