i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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