there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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