Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
