piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
