My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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