He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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