Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
