batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
