i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
