I wish I could teleport
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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