i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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