You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
