Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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