a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
