woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
