drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
where are my eyebrows?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
