Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
