Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
