i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
