We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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