Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
