Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
