OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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