I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
