so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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