Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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