you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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