i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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