birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
