Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
