literally had 100 drinks last night.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize