I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
