i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
