Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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